Something In The Air Feels A Little Unkind...

March 23rd, 2012

I think it's safe to say this week has been the Week of Abandonment. I have successfully managed to set aside everything in my life to sit around and feel. Feel something, anything. I've been a bit numb lately and I thought that maybe silence would spark something in me so I can see what is really happening. Yesterday, I managed to figure it out.

Ever since I can remember I go through cycles- moments of blissful happiness and moments of pure numbness. I really wish I knew what sparks this, since it doesn't really happen very often. But when it does, I am left feeling somewhat confused with myself. I call these moments of pure numbness Artistic Bliss. Why? I think it speaks for itself. Art is always fuelled by sadness or numbness or anything that speaks to you. I think it's something every artist craves, doesn't matter what kind of art they may do. Funny thing is that this hasn't happened to me since 2008, so it's been a long time.

Now, don't get me wrong- I am in no way depressed or sad about anything in particular. In fact, I live my life day to day very happy. Everything is in order. But inside I feel disorderly- as if something is out of place. For the most part, this is when I feel more creative than ever. So with this feeling, I will be writing more than usual. It always helps me, and by the end of it I usually have figured out what landed me here in the first place. I think I may have an idea, but I will need to explore it further.

It all started last week, when I found out my best friend was coming to FL for a couple of days. I haven’t seen him since 2010 and he was only going to be here for a limited time on business. I didn’t find out fast enough to be able to take off work. At the end of it, he left and I didn’t even get a change to give him a big hug. I feel so far away from him, and this week, I felt even further. I just wish that we could sit down on the balcony and talk for hours like we used to. Listen to him as he plays the guitar and sings to me. I can’t imagine anything better happening. Just talking and saying everything that we have been wanting to say for all these years that we’ve been apart. Finally getting to have a real conversation with one of my favorite people. We used to talk about everything and knew each other’s moves like the back of our hands. Ever since I moved to FL, we haven’t had a chance to just talk. Share things that we don’t tell anyone. He is that person for me: My secret keeper.

And so my hope is this: that by the end of this year I would have sat down and talked with my best friend about everything and nothing all at once. For me, that will always be enough.

Until Then…

Do What You Have To Do...

April 18th, 2010

After living with women for what seems like forever, I'm still puzzled by their behavior (note how I'm excluding myself from the masses, it's on purpose). As every day passes, I try to understand why is it that they do the things they do. I mean, REALLY...I find myself constantly asking: is that REALLY necessary? At the end, the answer always seems to be the same, no it is NOT. That's when I look down and realize I'm one of them.

Yes, I am a woman! Don't act so shocked! But in order for you to understand this blog, I'll need to explain a few things about myself. So excuse me while I attempt to bore you with a summary of my life's story...

I was born about twenty six years ago in a family of five. Three of them were men, and my mother (not the girliest girl, if you know what I mean). I proceeded to having an amazing childhood which consisted of me hanging out with boys. Don't get me wrong, I did have girls as a my friends, but I really wasn't interested in what they had to say. I always thought to myself:  "Hey, I'm a girl! I already know what girls do, what we think about, how we feel." Because of this theory I implemented on my brain as a child, I grew up somewhat different. In reality, I find girls annoying. Unless they think a bit like me, then we can get along. Other than that, girls can be ridiculous (which is another word for "stupid", but we're not gonna go there tonight). No! I'm not being a traitor, I'm just being realistic. I find most of the things women do completely ridiculous. I'm sure most of you can agree with me on this one (the ones that don't, are because you're probably partaking in these ridiculous things).

Example of this:

When you live with girls, you start noticing certain things. One of these things is the craving for unnecessary attention. If you're a girl, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. You know...when you're in your room on your laptop and all of a sudden your friend walks by your already opened door (never leave it open) and starts dancing. Then you start noticing she walks by more than once. Or when you are in your room (I spend a lot of time in my room, there's a reason for this) and your friend is watching tv alone in the living room quietly and then when you suddenly come out of your room she starts screaming at the tv and laughing unusually hard as if they just heard the funniest thing in the world and they want you to know. What a coincidence that they only do this when you are around. If that's not a desperate attempt to get attention, I don't know what that is then. I mean...where you not paid attention to as a child that you feel the need to do these things? I simply just don't get it.

As I sit here trying to understand this predicament, I am baffled by this equation that I have in my head. I say equation because it is really hard to figure out what would drive one to engage in such behavior. I don't really think it has anything to do with your childhood or how you were raised, I do believe it has everything to do with always wanting to be the center of attention. Why? I dunno. Maybe a lack of confidence, maybe they feel threatened by other women in group situations, maybe it's just that they like the attention and they like to feed into it. Either way, all I can say women is stop it.

Until Then...

I Just Woke Up From A Fuzzy Dream...

March 23rd, 2010


Last night I had an awesome goodnight sleep! To some this may seem "common", but for me, it rarely happens. I had my boyfriend over and I felt safe in his arms like I always do. There's something about him that makes me feel like I have everything I need and that the world could fall appart, and I will still be without a care in the world. I miss him already, but either way, as good as my sleep was, I had the weirdest dream.


So this is how it all went down... it all started with me and my boyfriend in this strange, yet familiar house. It seemed like a normal house. Not too big, not too small. Not a fancy kitchen, smelled like there was a cat. Just a normal house. Then, as I am standing in the kitchen having a conversation with my boyfriend, Madonna comes in. It's her house! (I KNOW!) Crazy huh? Well, the weird part is that even in my dream I asked myself, "Madonna, what are you doing in my dream?". It made no sense, seriously. Madonna? I wasn't even thinking about her or listening to her music that day. You know when you spend the whole day thinking about something and you end up dreaming about it at night? Well, I have no idea why the heck I would dream about that.


As I was standing in the kitchen, I remember just talking about the fact that she was there and this was her house, but she didn't seem to notice us. Like we were invisible. I woke up thinking about that. Weird dream! Uffff…So I thought to myself, "weird dream, weird day". It hasn't been weird for the most part. I woke up early because my boyfriend had to leave early to go back home. As he left, I told myself that this time I wouldn't be left with that feeling that I get whenever he leaves or I leave. I still felt it, and it sucks equally as much every time it happens, but I guess that's what happens when you love someone and inevitably miss them just as much. Yes! I will talk about this today after nine months of being together.


We met almost a year ago. It was at this venue that I love to go see local bands at. All I could remember is that we didn't talk, he just stared, and for some reason, I didn't find it weird. I found it mysterious. I go a lot by first impressions, but not in a judgmental way. I just think that you can observe a lot about a person in the first fifteen minutes of being around each other, and I just thought he was shy. I was right, well kinda...Two months went by and I had actually forgotten about that night, until we saw each other again. I have to admit, it was the eyes…Ohhh those eyes! It's like he stares into my soul. As the night went on, we talked about absolutely everything we could possibly talk about, and after that first kiss, I knew I wanted to hold on to him. I felt like I had something special. I mean, any guy that talks to me for more than six hours and doesn't fall asleep, is a keeper.


Now, nine months later, after meeting his parents, surviving him being on tour, long hours talking on the phone, being apart for weeks and all of the ups and downs, I can say that I still feel like that first day that he laid eyes on me and I laid eyes on him. I still feel like that girl in love. More than anything, I feel like it has gotten deeper, stronger. Not only that, but it has actually made me stronger. Being away from someone you love so much can be hard, lonely, but he's never failed me. He's never neglected me, and not a day goes by that I don't feel closer to him. Yes, I do get this weird feeling when he leaves, but I know that he's there somehow with me, never away. I will admit that I am in love, and for the first time, it feels real!


Until Then...


I take that back. I am having a weird day…but it's the good kind of weird!

'Cause You Can't Jump the Track, We're Like Cars On A Cable...

March 17th, 2010


There's this noise in the back of my bedroom wall that's killing my brain cells one by one just about now,  so I decided to put them to good use before they get destroyed. Truth is, that noise come and goes. Some days it's there, others it disappears, but it always seems to come back at the most inconvenient of moments. Anywho...I haven't written in a while, at least not here, but that's always the case with me, I'm not a very consistent person. At least I've always prided myself in that. Now, as I am a bit older, it doesn't really sound like something I should be proud of.


Yeah, I've been thinking about that. I know I'm kind of a "flake", or "free spirit" or whatever you wanna call it, that I never stick to one thing. I know, well, it's been eating my brain to tell you the truth and I'm sick and tired of it. Now, I'll call myself a "wanderer". I'm just floating through life, from one end to the other, without a care and living in the now. Ok, I'm getting tired just talking about this.


So it's about 12:30 a.m. which means my bed time is fast approaching and my head starts running wild. I'm feeling quite well these days. I spent the first two months of 2010 very ill with bronchitis. I felt so crappy that I was afraid of falling asleep and thinking my asthma would stab me in the back. Thankfully, I am much better now. I did notice how being sick can really affect your mood. Mine was a disaster. It felt like I was PMS'ing (Is that even a word?) for two months. My poor boyfriend must have thought I had either gone clinically insane or paranoid, but he stuck with me through it all. A true pro! That's the update.


Other than trying a new restaurant for brunch, talking with new people and having a sip of Guiness (which is awful by the way), not much has happened. I guess now I'm just getting back on track with my life, enjoying the new weather and my boyfriend who makes me smile on a daily basis. 


Until Then!

Out Of My Head...

February 10th, 2010


Ahhhhh...hmmmm...what a week! Been out of the loop for a bit. I've been feeling strange for the past couple of days. Strange with work, my friends, everything around me is being questioned as things start to get better on their own. I've been patient for a long time for things to come around. Now, it's looking like they will happen. I will not question them, especially since I've worked hard for them. So now, all that's left is a bit more patience, a bit more time, and everything will fall into place.


Until Then...

It's Been A Long Time Since 22...

February 3rd, 2010


How is it possible that time has gone by so fast? Where did it go? I am trying to understand why is it that things no longer feel the same to me. Could it be that I'm getting older? Or is it just that my interests have changed? Regardless of what it may be, I can't help but feel, dare I say, older.


So Saturday night was one of those nights to remember. I was at the House Of Blues at this local show that some of my favorite Florida bands where playing at. Great venue full of people, my friends sitting at the bar, my boyfriend next to me and awesome music. I felt right at home and was ready to enjoy the company. As the night went on, I started feeling like I couldn't survive it. I kinda just wanted to be in bed with my boyfriend by then, but I know I had a couple of hours to go. That's when it hit me: I'm not a kid anymore.


I seem to recall a time when I could wear a short skirt and a skimpy tank top and get away with it without looking ridiculous. A time when I could go to school all day, work in the afternoon, go out at night and do it all over again the next day. A time when I really wanted to be out there, at every party, gathering, concert, club, etc. Now, the reality is far from all of this. Now, it feels different. It feels like the things that once made complete and utter sense, no longer do. Now, I don't have an excuse to act stupid and irresponsibly all the time because I actually know better. Now, I am an adult. And damn, that feels different! But who says I can't still wear a short skirt?


Until Then...

Another One Bites the Dust...

January 20th, 2010


What a day! I feel mentally burned out, I mean...wewwww!!! It really did a number of me, so much  that I'm eating a bar of Hershey's Cookies & Cream. Yeah, I know! My day was consumed with drama, which I hate more than frogs...Ok, actually, I take that back, leave the drama. Anyway, my day consisted of an argument that was never intended, lots of extra work, and an evening with some beers (just to end the night on a good note). I guess tomorrow will bring far more greater adventures than today. Since today I had a meltdown.


Yes, I know what you're going to say: "didn't you promise yourself yesterday you wouldn't worry about the future?" Well yes, I did. But then again today brought so many questions to my head that I've been thinking more and more about. Things like: my living situation, my career, my relationships, my family. It's hard not to wonder about what will happen, but in the mean time, I will just sit in silence, listen to music and relax for the rest of the night.


Until Then...

Just One Of Them Days...

January 19th, 2010


What can I say about yesterday? Hmmm...well for the most part, I spent most of it crying and complaining about things that have been clouding my brain for the past couple of months. Things like: what do I want to work for, where do I want to go. It's been a lot of thinking, I must say, and I'm quite tired of it. So today, I decided to continue reading this awesome book my boyfriend let me borrow. It's called "The Power Of Now" and boy is it awesome. I mean, I felt like an idiot after I was five pages into the second part of it. I realized how much time I waste just thinking about things, sorry, let me rephrase that, stupid shit!


Most of our waking ours are spent doing just this, thinking. Thinking about the past and what could have been. Thinking about the future and what could be, but this is only an illusion. The past and the future are both just an illusion. We dwell on things that happened and we try to imagine what could happen and sometimes we make ourselves miserable with these thoughts. We instill unhappiness onto ourselves, and blame it on other outside forces or things and even people, when in reality, WE are the ones making ourselves unhappy. Especially us women.


One thing in the book that made me open my eyes and realize how ridiculous women are sometimes was the mention of our menstrual cycle. I mean, we get crazy the days before, we really do, but it's not our fault, it's hormones. When I read that statement I suddenly realized I'm one of those women. So, starting today, I will start living on the present and I will promise myself to try hard to not deviate my thoughts from that.


Until Then...

Right Round...

January 18th, 2010


As I sit here at home awaiting the time that I have to detach myself from my computer in order to get ready for work, I am puzzled by how much I dread routine. Lately, it seems, my life has gotten quite comfortable. I wake up around 10:30 am, make myself a cup of coffee, turn on my computer, then I start doing things around the house as I listen to the news, then I eat, take a shower, get ready for work, go to work, come back home, have dinner, take a shower, watch tv, get on my computer, talk on the phone, then go to bed. There you have it! A summary of how boring my life is getting to be. The reality is that I'm not cut out for this. I've never been one to do the same thing every day. I hate the corporate world because of how routinary it makes my life, since I spend most of my day at work anyway. So today I decided to write instead, in hopes that I stray from this routine and breathe a little before going to work. We'll see how the day turns out, but I'm hopeful.


Until Then...

Transistor...

January 18th, 2010

So, it's a new year (Thank God), and I'm feeling more optimistic than ever before. Considering the fact that I've been sick for the past two weeks, I think today I'm feeling much better, so I decided to open up my blog with a different source, one that is, dare I say, easy to use. So we'll see how this one goes.

Until Then...

I Had To Make A Choice That Was Not Mine…

August 21st, 2009

So letting go is supposed to be as easy as I was once told by this very specific person. Truth is it really isn’t. It’s a long hard process that can make one drink more wine than a normal person should consume. But for me, it seemed fairly easy, with time! Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for others.


It seems to me that whenever I am close to feeling like I have been put on that shelf, slowly letting go of those ties and breaking away, they always have to find a way to swoop in and try to tie that knot even more, as if I wouldn’t notice… The weird appearances with close approximation to the place where I reside, the ‘all of a sudden’ friendship that was there, but never really was taken care of, the way these things are becoming less sporadic…Yes, I really do notice. Yes, I am well aware of the intention. Yes, I really understand why… It’s kind of sad. Not that I should ever feel sorry for anyone in particular, but I can’t help but feel this way being that I’ve been riding on that roller coster for the past two years and it’s so funny how it all of a sudden shifted gears. I am particularly curious.


Curiosity has always found a way to play with the way I see things. It’s were it all starts for me. I wonder, I study, I learn and hopefully, at the end of it all, I understand. I really am trying to this time. I really need some help here. I mean, really! Help me understand why, because, I would really like to sympathize. Sympathize with the situation, the feeling, the thoughts, the fear, the trying to let go, the letting go,  the cord breaking lose, the trying to hold on to that last bit of thread, but being forced to just let it break….See, I don’t need to understand, I don’t need to feel sorry, I don’t need to sympathize because fact of the matter is that I already sympathize, I sympathize because I understand, for a long time I’ve been understanding the situation, the feeling, the thoughts, the fear, the trying to let go, the letting go, the cord breaking lose, the trying to hold on to that last bit of thread, but being forced  to just let it break. It’s understood. So, you see, it is a lot harder when it’s real for you now, but for me, it has been real for a really long time. Advise? I’ll humor you!


Hmmm, let’s see. It gets easy. Time heals all wounds. You’ll forget this with time.  You’re better than this. You deserve more. You’ll be better off without. The list goes on and on. Advise seems so pathetic when you are on the receiving end of it. It seems meaningless, impotent, with no value, but see, who better than me to say these things! I do know more than anyone should about this topic since it was imposed on me without me asking for it, the experience, the feeling. It feels like everything’s falling around you and you are just left floating in the air, without really hitting the floor, as if you were hanging by a thread that’s about to break. You’re left wondering what would happen if you actually fell. Well….it did break, I did fall, I did put myself back together and I did pick myself up. And now, as I’m watching the other half of it break the only thing I can say is: be careful with that thread, because when it snaps, the other half hits you even harder, but like I said, I understand!


Until Then…

I Had The World In My Hands, And I Let Go Of It…

June 30th, 2009

My head has been spinning out of control today. I’m sitting here wondering the person that I’ve become in the past year. I feel like I finally recognize myself in a way that I haven’t before. What can I say? I am overwhelmed by everything right now. I feel like I found something that had been lost for so long. I have everything and yet I feel like I have nothing. It may seem as selfish, the fact that I want more than this. I wish it’s what I deserve, or at least I hope it will be, but as I let my life transpire, I feel I’m losing the last bit of thread I was left holding.


Story goes as always, I’m in the mood to make a point, and don’t worry, I may hesitate, but I will get around to making it. I just happen to be returning from a two week vacation. I went back home, which according to Thomas Wolfe it’s not possible, but I did, and surprisingly enough, it was the best of times. I felt comfortable, content, satisfied, but most importantly, I was finally able to let go of every single thought, anxiety, discomfort and hurt that has been haunting me and clouding my mind for the past year. I can’t help but feel like I can breathe, for now at least.


As I sit here pondering what exactly shifted while I was back home, I can’t help but think about all of the things I have lost, missed, given up. This thought makes me feel a little perplexed. It’s as if I was blinded by my own anxieties, which now, I have to admit, seem petty. Funny, isn’t it? Whenever something life altering happens in your life, everyone seems to advise you with the same misguided, but ‘oh so true’ one liner: “Time heals all wounds”. A year later I come to find out it’s actually true. Truth is I wish I had believed it from the beginning. It would have saved me from sleepless nights, tormenting thoughts, bottles of wine, packs of cigarettes, misguided encounters. I could go on, but I don’t want to make myself look bad. At least I didn’t lose any opportunity to grow.


To say the least, I am feeling a little adventurous. I feel like whatever was broken inside me healed itself magically. I got myself back, and now, I’m just enjoying getting to know me more. It’s as sad as the truth.


Until then…

Anytime I Feel Like I’m Too Far Than I Will Try To Remember All Ours…

December 8th, 2008

So I guess by the laws that binds us, it has been previously established that we are doomed from the moment we’re conceived. I mean, think about it; we live to die.  But how are we to know exactly how doomed we are?

It’s Sunday, and I just got home from what seems to be like the longest day ever. Listening to music, candle lit, Christmas tree on, tea, and my roommate studying. I’ve been at a friend’s birthday all day today and as my own birthday approaches fast, I can’t help but feel old. And as I sit here I think, I’m really lonely and, the worst part is that I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before.

How to deal? I don’t know… See, for the most part, I’ve always been very optimistic about the upcoming future, but when the future that you expected isn’t what you thought it would be; where does that leave me? Stuck in between my past and my future, that’s where! What better way to explain it that this. Problem is I pictured it so different.

If someone asked me to paint my life the way it should be, it would be nothing like it is now. Truth is I really don’t know what it would look like, the picture. I thought I envisioned myself in such a different path, somewhere different, surrounded by exactly the right person. The reality is far crueler being that I have neither. I’m still in this place, stuck, and I really don’t know how to leave it behind, say goodbye for good. It’s not just the place, is the person. How do you leave when you don’t know where you belong? I’ve always felt I don’t really belong anywhere that I go, that’s the main reason I end up leaving. I don’t have a home. Or at least nothing feels like home anymore. Not my house back “home”, not my apartment here. Nothing’s felt like home for a really long time. The worst part is that the only place I felt like home is no longer there and even worst is that it wasn’t an actual location, but a person.  This one person that made me feel like I did belong, I belonged with him. But that’s no longer the case and now I feel lost. I feel like that pictured I had invested so much time painting was suddenly erased.  And almost a year later, I still don’t really know why. I wish I did. I really hate thinking about it, but when there’s never been closure, that chapter of the book is left open, unwritten, and unfortunately I don’t have the patience to leave it that way, but then again, that’s the unfair part. The “you know but I don’t”. Sucks, doesn’t it. But I try.

I try to wake up every day pretending that that feeling’s gone, that it’s no longer there, and that smile…oh that great smile and pretend that everyone expects from me. Because God forbid I act like I actually feel, no, I should be over this. But that’s not how it works. But I sat there, next to that place, wine in one hand, blunt in the other, him next to me. I felt home. I felt like I belonged again. I wished I could’ve stayed right there and forever with him…now that would actually be fair. Wouldn’t it? Because that would actually involve him loving me, and that’s not the case. It’s always the familiarity, the comfort. I really don’t know. But I really wish I did.

Either way nothing’s certain. I guess that’s the part I love and hate in equal measure about life. I just things were different. I wish I had the power to change things that I’m not supposed to. I wish I knew the truth. I wish I wouldn’t be here. I wish I had a home. I wish I could still shower and have it be as interesting as it once was. I wish I could go to bed with the light off and feel safe. I wish I were making breakfast to someone other than myself. I wish watching a movie on my couch felt comforting and fun. I wish I knew. I wish I were somewhere else with him, alone. I wish things were different. I wish he were here.

Until Then…

It’s Not That We’re Scared, It’s Just That It’s Delicate…

December 7th, 2008

So this is how it its. By now you should have somehow realized its all about music. It’s what moves everything, makes everything better, or worse. You never realize it until you find yourself caught in this world of “meeting” or how I like to call it, “disappointment”. Truth is it’s a huge disappointment because in the beginning it’s just like a new car, its shinny and “new”, but it eventually gets old. But either way, when you find yourself part of this disappointment, you realize what really matters and, that to me, it’s music. I mean, think about it… You meet someone, all is well, and then you find yourself sitting in his car listening to this crap, and you think: “Could I live with this?” In theory, it sounds great, but when reality comes and you’re making breakfast on a Saturday morning and you find your significant other listening to Hip Hop at 10:00 am in the morning…you wouldn’t want to go that route, at least not me, a hard, progressive rock lover. So please, if  for some reason you find yourself caught in this situation, I would recommend turning around and sticking to your roots before this other person starts singing country tunes coming out of a juke box.

I guess it is what it is, but I love music, I mean I really do. I listen to it at all times. When I wake up, before I go to bed, when I cook, clean, take a shower, in the car, at work, when I paint, when I write (see, right now I’m listening to Andy McKee “Art of Motion”). It doesn’t go away. Imagine someone being part of that, of my music. It’s amazing to have that and, yes, you do find it, you just never realize how hard it is to find until is no longer with you. Someone to share one of your biggest passions with you. Imagine, you could do anything with this person, and know exactly how it feels to be undestood. Finally, something we can all agree on. There’s always something, that one song that sticks.

Remember that time, that night, that precise moment of goodbye… It’s all a soundtrack if you think about it. Your lives are defined by not only moments, but by the music that was playing behind that specific moment. I can remember all of them. Especially the ones I’ve been listening to for the past three years; the tunes to my happiness. It’s really bittersweet. They go from moment to moment, bouncing back and forth between clouds of memories of what never was, but hope will be. Because that’s one thing that I’ve never lost…and it’s cold.

It’s cold and dark and almost one thirty in the morning ad I’m still listening to music, only this time it’s “Delicate” by Damien Rice. Because, it’s like I said it’s not only the moment, but the music that was playing behind that specific moment.

“we might kiss

when we are alone

when nobody’s watchin’

we might take it home

we might make out

when nobody’s there

it’s not that we’re scared

it’s just that it’s delicate

so why d’ya fill my sorrow

with the words you’ve borrowed

from the only place you’ve known

why d’ya sing hallelujah

if it means nothin’ to ya

why d’ya sing with me at all?

we might live

like never before

when there’s nothin’ to give

how can we ask for more?

we might make love

in some sacred place

that look on your face

is delicate

so why d’ya fill my sorrow

with the words you’ve borrowed

from the only place you’ve known

why d’ya sing hallelujah

if it means nothin’ to ya

why d’ya sing with me at all?”

My life as a song…

Until then…

Autobiografía Desde Una Perspectiva Filosófica…

Fecha: 01 de diciembre de 2004.

Asignatura: Proyecto final de la clase de Filosofía, got a 100%.

 Autobiografía Desde Una Perspectiva Filosófica.

Nací un 11 de diciembre, sagitariana. Lo que brevemente significa que eventualmente me convertiría en una persona libre, independiente, abierta de mente, pensante, creadora de mis propias ideas, que añora la soledad y vive cada día como si fuese el último. O por lo menos eso fue lo que mi mamá leyo al verme nacida bajo ese signo. Veite años después, se dio cuenta que iba a ser así.

Fuí bautizada bajo la religión Católica Romana Apostólica. En aquel momento si hubise tenido la libertad de  hacerlo, probablemente hubiese dicho que no, ya que desde pequeña he tenido la habilidad para protestar todo hasta entenderlo por completo. En ese momento, no entendía, pero aún así, crecí en un hogar donde lo valores, la moral y la dignidad humana, era sumamente importante.

De mis años como infante no vive ni un sólo recuerdo que pudiese convertir en una historia, pero sí puedo cerrar mis ojos y verme pequeña, frente al árbol de navidad, parpadeando al igual que las luces que lo adornaban. También a toda mi familia junta, y yo, observando o provocando. A veces algún olor me lleva a algún recuerdo que inmediatamente no poedo asimilar, pero sé que es parte de mi historia.

Me criaron en un hogar completamente “unido”, un poco fuera de lo común, pero unido. Mi padre, amante a la música y la lectura, introvertido, chistoso, explorador y abierto de mente. Mi madre, amante a la decoración, extrovertida, poco sentido de humor, no aventurera y cerrada de mente. A veces me pregunto que vieron uno en el otro para enamorarse. Yo salí a mi papá. Ambos compartimos nuestro amor por la música, el arte y la lectura. Es la persona que más admiro en este mundo. Sabiéndo como soy, él me dio la potestad para escoger mis creencias y aprender de la vida de la manera correcta, cayéndome y aprendiendo a levantarme nuevamente. Me enseñó que cuando uno se cae, y está en lo más profundo de ese hoyo, es cuando verdaderamente maduramos y realizamos quiénes somos realmente. Aprendí ésto muy pequeña.

A los cuatro años fuí ingresada en la Academia San Agustín y Espíritu Santo de Sabana Grande. Estuve allí hasta que me gradué de sexto grado en el 1995, fueron los mejores años de mi vida. Ahí desde pequeña participaba en todo: obras de teatro, “talent shows”, oratorias, “spelling bees”, veladas de navidad, en fin, no hubo ni una sola actividad en la cual yo no participase. Me encantaba el arte desde pequeña y solía dibujar y pintar mucho. Me atraían las pinturas de Picasso, Van Gogh, Da Vincci. Eran los colores y la historia secreta trás cada una. También mi atracción por la lectura fue creciendo de libros de cuento a novelas y libros con un poco más de escencia. El primer libro que me leí, me acuerdo como hoy, fue “El Profeta” de Kahlil Gibran y, hasta el día de hoy, lo considero “Mi Biblia”. Me enseñó a ver todo de una manera diferente, a respetar a las personas y sus creencias, que por más locas o absurdas que fuesen, seguirían siendo sus creencias y las creencias de una persona son una parte sumamente personal.

Cuando me gradué de sexto me movieron a un colegio llamado Colegio San José en San Germán. Es un colegio sumamente estricto y sumamente católico. Desde un principio, no encajé. Se me hizo difícil aceptar tal cambio  y justamente cuando comenzaba a acostumbrarme, mis padres me dieron la noticia de que nos mudaríamos a los Estados Unidos por un año. Pensé que sería lo peor que me pudiera pasar, pero luego, la vida me enseñó lo contrario.

El 6 de septiembre de 1996 mis padres, dos hermanos, mi perro y yo, empacamos nuestras maletas y fuimos rumbo a Corvallis, Oregon, mi hogar por el próximo año. Tan pronto pisé tierra, me sentí como dentro de una película de cine. Todo era diferente a Puerto Rico. Anteriormente, había ido una vez de visita, pero esta vez, fue diferente. Fue uno de los mejores años que he pasado. Todo me parecía nuevo, fue como volver a nacer y justo cuando me estaba acostumbrando el tiempo se acabó y regresé a Puerto Rico, dejando atrás todo lo que viví en ese tiempo y espacio determinado.

Volví a ingresar al colegio en donde estudiaba previamente y me tocó la sorpresa de tener que volver a acostumbrarme a todo nuevamente. Todos ya habían cambiado, y yo me sentía igual, con un poco más de sabor acerca del mundo y la gente, pero igual. Al pasar de los años de escuela superior, realizé que ya no era la misma. Discutía con los profesores por diferencias de opinión. Nunca me ha gustado que me impongan nada ya que soy libre de pensar las cosas a mi propia manera y entender. También ingresé a la Escuela Libre de Música. Luego me tocó vivir la experiencia más horrorosa, perder a una de las personas más importantes de mi vida y a mi mejor amigo. De la manera más injusta y en un suspirar, se fue a nueve días de mi quinceañero, y yo, me fuí de este mundo y no regresé hasta después de seis meses.

Crecí, pensé, sobreanalizé y me ví obligada a tener que entender el por qué de todo ésto. Le eché la culpa a todos cuando al final ningunos la tenían. Aprendí que si la vida se acaba es por que tiene que pasar. Que las cosas pasan por una razón y que no existen las coincidencias ni los accidentes. Que no se acaba aquí por que, aunque nuestro cuerpo ya no dé vida, nuestra alma sí lo hace. Y maduré mucho antes de lo debido y aprendí antes de tiempo algo, que por la desición de alguien, me tocó aprender.

Me gradué de la escuela superior llevándome a mis amistades más cercanas e ingresé a la Pontificia Universidad Católica de Ponce y luego me cambié a el recinto de Mayagüéz. Estudio mercadeo con fines de irme a otro país a estudiar diseño de modas. Soy ambisiosa, tengo una meta por cumplir. Me encanta el arte y todo lo que sea la creación junto a la imaginación. Todavía dibujo y pinto.

En fin, que más puedo decir de mi vida filosóficamente. Te puedo decir que para los pocos años que he vivido, le doy gracias a Dios por haberme permitido aprender de la manera debida, viviéndo cada momento como si fuese el último y apreciando y no pasando por alto todo lo que me rodea. Aprendí a no arrepentirme de nada ya que uno aprende de sus errores y gracias a esos errores, yo soy quien soy y (créeme que) no me arrepiento de eso. Aprendí que uno debe aceptar y respetar a las personas por quienes son verdaderamente. Aprendí a tener una mente abierta para poder estudiar y absorber todo lo que me rodea. Aprendí que las religiones no existen, pero las creencias, la fé, los valores, la moral, el respeto, la confianza, el amor, la amistad, la vida, la muerte, las almas, los espíritus, lo negativo, lo positivo, lo bueno, lo malo, las leyes y la libertad, sí exixten. Aprendí que encontrar una persona que te acepte por quien tú eres, es una ocurrencia rara y, de encontrar a esa perosna, nunca dejarla(o) ir, por que esa persona podría terminar convirtiéndose en tu mejor amigo(a). En fin, aunque piense que la vida me ha llevado por caminos que me han hecho pensar que he madurado, aún no he aprendido nada.

Beyond The Ties That Bind…

October 18th, 2008

I’ve been feeling uneasy lately…

Thinking back on how life used to be exactly one year ago, I still can’t believe it. You start wondering; how the hell did we get here? See, I’m usually the type of person who deals well with change, however it may come, but for some reason it doesn’t have the same effect on me this time. I find myself thinking and wondering over and over again what the fuck happen. Mistakes were made, that’s a given. I would really just want to know when did it all shift?

As I sit here at work where I really shouldn’t be doing this, I find my mind wondering off towards this subject. It’s been on my mind for the past week, haunting me on the back of my head and it just won’t leave me and I hate it. I don’t particularly like that word “hate”, it’s so strong, but I really do hate it. I hate that everything’s changed so much. I hate that I have no control over the situation this time. I hate that I stayed when I should have done what I always do. I hate that you’re so close. I hate that I’m still here.

For as long as I’ve known myself, this is how I deal, by leaving, running away. I wish I could say otherwise, but that’s the truth. Funny thing is that you never see these things about yourself until several people point it out over and over. Kinda makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Well, that’s not a recent new development about yours truly, but it sure as hell feels that way. Especially when people point it out as “not a good way to deal with things”. For the most part, it’s been convenient. Situation happens, I question why they happened, I determine the cause of the situation, if it’s something I have no control of, I leave.

 I believe things happen in your life that you will never understand. Things that will make you feel powerless, helpless. Things that strip you down to your core and make you feel vulnerable because there is no way of changing them. Those are things that I runaway from. I mean; why stay? Why dwell on things that you can’t change? It’s some sort of bizarre form of torture that I refuse to participate in. I don’t really consider it as “running away” (as my friends have so kindly stated), but as my way of coping with choices that were not made by me and, trust me, those are the worst kind. It’s another form of freedom. Of breaking those ties that binds us to something. I like to believe that I belong to me, and I’m not a part of anyone. And that is a choice. It always comes back to that.

When, for the most part, you are able to live with the choices that you have made in the past, life seems simple enough. I mean, that’s really what it’s all about, a choice. The worst part is that one choice; just one choice can change the course of not only your future, but someone else’s. Imagine that power, that control. Well, apparently everyone around me seems to be making those choices for me. Come to think of it, I’ve never really had much of a choice. For as long as I can remember, my life as always felt like somewhat of a catch 22. There’s always something, so I’ve given up on that part. I lost that, and on the way, I think I may have lost a huge part of me. That part that is not afraid of making choices. That part that is not afraid to be alone. That part of me that is willing to be strong enough to stand by my choices regardless of the consequences. That part of me that is not afraid to running away. Because in the end, it’s always a catch 22…“I’m not running away from my responsibilities. I’m running to them. There’s nothing negative about running away to save my life” (J. Heller). And in reality, the risk is worth the gain…

Until Then…

If It’s a Matter of Saying; I’ll Say That I Loved You…

October 9th, 2008

After listening to the same song for what seems like a whole weekend, I’m trying to process what it’s saying without over analyzing it. I do this a lot; I tend to obsess when I listen to something that changes my way of thinking about a situation. And I hate that, I hate the fact that sometimes it takes some random outside force to take over and make me realize something that I should have known all along. And it had to be a love song…

Hmmm, men hate them, women love them, but all in all, we all relate to at least one thing one of these horribly cheesy songs says to us. Love songs are so captivating to me and after listening to this one, it kinda makes me pull a John Cusack, get a boom box and plant myself with it in front of someone’s window with this particular song blasting so loud it would make him mad.

See, my theory is that if you have recently come out of a devastating relationship, you are more than allowed to engage in this kind of nonsensical behavior. And I really loved him, which is the part that sucks because he apparently didn’t. Truth is I still don’t know if he ever did. Sure, he did his share of nice things for me, but doesn’t every man when they feel they’re getting something out of the relationship, I just don’t know what that is or why he even ended the relationship in the first place. I heard so many different excuses that I’m still trying to put all of them together and they still don’t make sense. Not to me, not to anyone. Truth is, I don’t think he even knows why he made the decision in the first place, but I’m kinda glad he did (such a horrible thing to say). I know, I know, bitter words from a bitter heart, but what I’ve realized after all this turmoil is that just because we are right for each other (and it really is disgusting how right for each other we are), it doesn’t mean we are right for each other right now. Which leaves me with a broken heart, but I guess a broken heart is not that bad, especially when it’s been broken before. I guess you develop this natural glue which helps it spontaneously glue itself back together. I just wish everything didn’t remind me of a previous experience I had with this person, but I guess I’ve managed to convert them into bittersweet memories that I can look back and smile, because, I have to admit, it was the best of times.

Three years ago I found myself at the sight of this boy, who I thought the moment I first saw him “he’s mine”. I just knew. It was instantaneous. I’ve heard about this happening to people, but I actually never believed it. Until it happened to me and in the weirdest way, it was fate. And no, it wasn’t love at first sight. I am well aware of the difference between love, lust and fate. And this was definitely fate. But whatever was there in the beginning was no longer there in the end, at least not for him and needles to say he ended it. Funny thing is he always gives me hope, I hate that. But this is what I wish…for now…

If it’s a matter of having to talk to him, I much rather not say anything at all. If it’s a matter of me being capable of something, I’m capable of saying that he deceived me, and the worst part is that I knew and I never said anything. If it’s a matter of insisting, I will steal words away so he can understand that he leaving me was the reprievement I was waiting for. If it’s a matter of me being capable of something, I’m capable of understanding that he didn’t love me, and the worst part is that he knew and he never said anything. Because if it’s a matter of loving we have to love even if we suffer, doesn’t matter what that may be and play with that hope that will never leave and inevitably wait for that fear to leave. That fear of losing it all, losing his bed, of losing my soul, of starting over and letting the flames burn out, and wait for a dream that might never come. It it’s a matter of saying; I’ll say that I loved you.

Until then…

Those Who Mind Don’t Matter and Those Who Matter Don’t Mind…

October 8th, 2008 


I would assume, that as a person of this crazy wild world, one would understand the reasons behind why things happen the way they do. But after living for what is almost twenty-five years, I still haven’t got it right. After all, that’s why we’re here. Isn’t it? We think all is great, nothing seems complicated, there’s no problem that cannot be solved. It’s great, in thought, but it still doesn’t make it true.

After living for what seems like forever accustomed to one thing, I have recently come to realize that just because things seem one way, it doesn’t mean they are. In actuality, life can through the biggest, most unexpected curve ball at you that, instead of passing right next to you with this rapid wind, it literally hits you in the face in slow motion. Ouch… That’s when you know it hurts and, as you slowly fall backwards to the floor, you see your entire life in a flash. Just not the flash that you expected. I don’t know if it’s the blow to your head that makes you see things clearly, but I really am glad it finally hit me.

See, I believe people are part of your life for a reason. They come and go and, the ones that do stay are only there for the same reason you are, because ultimately you accept each other to a degree that no one else could even begin to comprehend. You feel, dare I say, lucky (for those who believe in luck). Call me naive, but I’ve always been one of those people. Firm believer in personalities, regardless of what that is or means to you. Because after all, what are we supposed to do, really? And don’t get me wrong, that’s one of the things that I love about myself, to have that ability in such an innocent way, but what that ball to my face taught me was that, in reality, just because you are that way, doesn’t mean everyone around you will be. Specially people who you may call “friends”.

Things are here one second and in the blink of an eye, they magically disappear. One thing ends so another can begin. And most importantly, friends come and go. Sad part is that you never really know the reason as to why. Why do people walk in and out if your life? What can be done for this to be prevented? Truth is we never really know the answer to most of these questions. Is just they way life is. One of those mysteries that must remain unsolved. If you think about it, most of the time people walk out of your life for reasons that you may have no control of, but for once, just once; is it possible to be honest about this? Is it possible to really tell a person the truth as to why you are walking out of their lives? The answer is, yes. Things remain unresolved because most people don’t really have it in their heads to say what they really think or even feel. To most people this is a bizarre concept. Sad, isn’t it? But true. People must rather lie to each other in hopes of conserving whatever is left of a relationship (You know those little white lies we tell each other to avoid hurting someone?) Truth is, when is all said and done, it doesn’t solve anything. It doesn’t make whatever problem that was there to begin with disappear; it just makes it worse, because in the end, the truth always comes out.

Whether it hurts or not, whether it tares your relationships apart, whether these people stay or leave, is it really worth it to lie to someone? I believe that we cannot be afraid to hurt someone’s feelings, specially the people you love. Trust is something that is crucial in a relationship. Is it worth it to break that trust? I guess this is something that still remains unsolved in my head, but for now, I’ll resort to what I do know. People are in your lives at certain times for a specific reason. It may be that they will teach you something that no one else in this life time would have. Or maybe they’re there at one point because it made sense. Or maybe you grow apart. Or maybe you grow so close together that fear takes over. Or maybe it’s just mere distance. Or maybe, they never left to begin with. Who knows? Life has a funny way of working and maybe, they leave at a certain time so you can cross paths in the future. So keep the ones that love you and accept you for who you really are close and those that are gone will certainly be missed, until life throws us a date with destiny.

Until then…