October 18th, 2008
I’ve been feeling uneasy lately…
Thinking back on how life used to be exactly one year ago, I still can’t believe it. You start wondering; how the hell did we get here? See, I’m usually the type of person who deals well with change, however it may come, but for some reason it doesn’t have the same effect on me this time. I find myself thinking and wondering over and over again what the fuck happen. Mistakes were made, that’s a given. I would really just want to know when did it all shift?
As I sit here at work where I really shouldn’t be doing this, I find my mind wondering off towards this subject. It’s been on my mind for the past week, haunting me on the back of my head and it just won’t leave me and I hate it. I don’t particularly like that word “hate”, it’s so strong, but I really do hate it. I hate that everything’s changed so much. I hate that I have no control over the situation this time. I hate that I stayed when I should have done what I always do. I hate that you’re so close. I hate that I’m still here.
For as long as I’ve known myself, this is how I deal, by leaving, running away. I wish I could say otherwise, but that’s the truth. Funny thing is that you never see these things about yourself until several people point it out over and over. Kinda makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Well, that’s not a recent new development about yours truly, but it sure as hell feels that way. Especially when people point it out as “not a good way to deal with things”. For the most part, it’s been convenient. Situation happens, I question why they happened, I determine the cause of the situation, if it’s something I have no control of, I leave.
I believe things happen in your life that you will never understand. Things that will make you feel powerless, helpless. Things that strip you down to your core and make you feel vulnerable because there is no way of changing them. Those are things that I runaway from. I mean; why stay? Why dwell on things that you can’t change? It’s some sort of bizarre form of torture that I refuse to participate in. I don’t really consider it as “running away” (as my friends have so kindly stated), but as my way of coping with choices that were not made by me and, trust me, those are the worst kind. It’s another form of freedom. Of breaking those ties that binds us to something. I like to believe that I belong to me, and I’m not a part of anyone. And that is a choice. It always comes back to that.
When, for the most part, you are able to live with the choices that you have made in the past, life seems simple enough. I mean, that’s really what it’s all about, a choice. The worst part is that one choice; just one choice can change the course of not only your future, but someone else’s. Imagine that power, that control. Well, apparently everyone around me seems to be making those choices for me. Come to think of it, I’ve never really had much of a choice. For as long as I can remember, my life as always felt like somewhat of a catch 22. There’s always something, so I’ve given up on that part. I lost that, and on the way, I think I may have lost a huge part of me. That part that is not afraid of making choices. That part that is not afraid to be alone. That part of me that is willing to be strong enough to stand by my choices regardless of the consequences. That part of me that is not afraid to running away. Because in the end, it’s always a catch 22…“I’m not running away from my responsibilities. I’m running to them. There’s nothing negative about running away to save my life” (J. Heller). And in reality, the risk is worth the gain…
Until Then…
