December 8th, 2008
So I guess by the laws that binds us, it has been previously established that we are doomed from the moment we’re conceived. I mean, think about it; we live to die. But how are we to know exactly how doomed we are?
It’s Sunday, and I just got home from what seems to be like the longest day ever. Listening to music, candle lit, Christmas tree on, tea, and my roommate studying. I’ve been at a friend’s birthday all day today and as my own birthday approaches fast, I can’t help but feel old. And as I sit here I think, I’m really lonely and, the worst part is that I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before.
How to deal? I don’t know… See, for the most part, I’ve always been very optimistic about the upcoming future, but when the future that you expected isn’t what you thought it would be; where does that leave me? Stuck in between my past and my future, that’s where! What better way to explain it that this. Problem is I pictured it so different.
If someone asked me to paint my life the way it should be, it would be nothing like it is now. Truth is I really don’t know what it would look like, the picture. I thought I envisioned myself in such a different path, somewhere different, surrounded by exactly the right person. The reality is far crueler being that I have neither. I’m still in this place, stuck, and I really don’t know how to leave it behind, say goodbye for good. It’s not just the place, is the person. How do you leave when you don’t know where you belong? I’ve always felt I don’t really belong anywhere that I go, that’s the main reason I end up leaving. I don’t have a home. Or at least nothing feels like home anymore. Not my house back “home”, not my apartment here. Nothing’s felt like home for a really long time. The worst part is that the only place I felt like home is no longer there and even worst is that it wasn’t an actual location, but a person. This one person that made me feel like I did belong, I belonged with him. But that’s no longer the case and now I feel lost. I feel like that pictured I had invested so much time painting was suddenly erased. And almost a year later, I still don’t really know why. I wish I did. I really hate thinking about it, but when there’s never been closure, that chapter of the book is left open, unwritten, and unfortunately I don’t have the patience to leave it that way, but then again, that’s the unfair part. The “you know but I don’t”. Sucks, doesn’t it. But I try.
I try to wake up every day pretending that that feeling’s gone, that it’s no longer there, and that smile…oh that great smile and pretend that everyone expects from me. Because God forbid I act like I actually feel, no, I should be over this. But that’s not how it works. But I sat there, next to that place, wine in one hand, blunt in the other, him next to me. I felt home. I felt like I belonged again. I wished I could’ve stayed right there and forever with him…now that would actually be fair. Wouldn’t it? Because that would actually involve him loving me, and that’s not the case. It’s always the familiarity, the comfort. I really don’t know. But I really wish I did.
Either way nothing’s certain. I guess that’s the part I love and hate in equal measure about life. I just things were different. I wish I had the power to change things that I’m not supposed to. I wish I knew the truth. I wish I wouldn’t be here. I wish I had a home. I wish I could still shower and have it be as interesting as it once was. I wish I could go to bed with the light off and feel safe. I wish I were making breakfast to someone other than myself. I wish watching a movie on my couch felt comforting and fun. I wish I knew. I wish I were somewhere else with him, alone. I wish things were different. I wish he were here.
Until Then…
