May 5th, 2010
Last week was tough. Really tough. It felt mostly as if I was mourning someone who had just passed. No one died, by the way, but I was feeling disappointed of a lot of things, but mostly I was feeling disappointed with myself. I was at work one day and started writing to clear my head. This is what I wrote:
You know those people that are really good at something? You know, the ones that have been working on that one thing their entire life? Well, I'm not one of them. In fact, I'm far from that. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at several things, but not really GREAT at one thing. Now, for those of you that don't understand, I don't blame you. For those of you that do, I feel you. You are what I like to call (and have referred to on previous blogs Cause You Can't Jump the Track, We're Like Cars On A Cable...) as a "wanderer."
I think that I'll start simple... I won't think about it. My boyfriend tells me that I obsess over it, but I just think there's no way he could possibly understand my predicament due to the fact that he knows exactly what he wants. He's been good at it and he's worked hard for it. He says that knowing what you want is "a curse", because once you know, you have to work hard for it. I, on the other hand, look at it as a blessing. It's a blessing working towards something that you're not only good at, but something that makes you happy every day. Then again, when you have a career doing something you truly love, it doesn't feel like "work". You have a reason to get up in the morning. That's a blessing.
Last week was tough. Really tough. It felt mostly as if I was mourning someone who had just passed. No one died, by the way, but I was feeling disappointed of a lot of things, but mostly I was feeling disappointed with myself. I was at work one day and started writing to clear my head. This is what I wrote:
You know those people that are really good at something? You know, the ones that have been working on that one thing their entire life? Well, I'm not one of them. In fact, I'm far from that. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at several things, but not really GREAT at one thing. Now, for those of you that don't understand, I don't blame you. For those of you that do, I feel you. You are what I like to call (and have referred to on previous blogs Cause You Can't Jump the Track, We're Like Cars On A Cable...) as a "wanderer."
As long as I've lived I've been extremely inconsistent. Moved around a lot. Never stay in one place. Changed jobs constantly. Several relationships. Those kinds of things. I think it all comes down to having an issue with committing to just one thing for the rest of my life. Thing is, I know myself well enough to understand that I get bored so easily of things. I don't know if there's something out of place in my mind, or if it's all in my head, but I do know it's me. It's ALL me.The situation is that I am SO aware of it, it scares me. I feel like I'm in a constant battle with myself and no one ever wins. Trust me, I've tried to change this about myself, but it's such a big part of who I am, that I really don't know where to begin.
I think that I'll start simple... I won't think about it. My boyfriend tells me that I obsess over it, but I just think there's no way he could possibly understand my predicament due to the fact that he knows exactly what he wants. He's been good at it and he's worked hard for it. He says that knowing what you want is "a curse", because once you know, you have to work hard for it. I, on the other hand, look at it as a blessing. It's a blessing working towards something that you're not only good at, but something that makes you happy every day. Then again, when you have a career doing something you truly love, it doesn't feel like "work". You have a reason to get up in the morning. That's a blessing.
It's Wednesday now, I wrote this about a week ago. I still feel the same way, but now I've stopped "obsessing" over it and instead started asking myself the right questions: what do I want? What makes me happy? I think I'll start with that and I'll see where it takes me. Then again, I could be a writer. Who knows?
Until Then...
